The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
