he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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