i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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