Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
