No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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