Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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