Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
