So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I pour the whiskey from now on
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize