im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
