I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
