The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
