the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
