Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
