I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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