the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
