i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
