apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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