I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
