Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The best revenge is premature balding
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
