There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
