she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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