my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
