i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
