Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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