my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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