hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
