Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
