You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You had me at "let me see your balls"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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