Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
