i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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