Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
