I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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