I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
it's like heaven, but drunker
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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