I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
