My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
