I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
