i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
