but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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