Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
