I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
