im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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