my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
operation harelip BJ is a go
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
