I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
