Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
