I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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