Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
