Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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