Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
