He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
