dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
