Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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