Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
