What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
