I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
